Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Relocating the Troll

As you might know, Red Beard's lease is up next month. He has been thinking about dwelling options and asked me to post his top 3 choices. Please evaluate the locations and let him know what you think. Which looks best and why? He wants you to consider a few things:

  1. He doesn't have a lot of worldly possessions, but he does have a camper and a stump grinder--actually he has 2 now
  2. He will soon have an ogre living with him. This ogre is approximately 9'11'' and he anticipates growing another 3 feet by the end of the year. The ogre also melts in the sun
  3. He likes to bathe in the nude
  4. He doesn't mind snakes, but he hates spiders
  5. He can fit into a pillow case
Here are his options:
-----Option A ------------Option B--------------Option C-----

I got to meet Elvis while he filmed Blue Hawaii!

...bad day
Honolulu
Henna Tattoo

More Pictures!

I dont even know this guy
Hawaiin country side


waiting for concert to start
Matisyahu the jewish raggae rapping beat boxer
sunset beach

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Family Law

I think we need to put together a council to judge complaints regarding family lore.
Possible Structure:
1. 3 person council (They have to be unbiased on the issue)
2. Each person puts forward their case using: expert witnesses, photo's, reasoning, and other evidence that will support their case.
3. They present their case before the family and everyone writes why they think a certain case should win.
4. Then the judges deliberate and come up with a verdict.
5. The judges decision is final, although there can be an appeal after a certain time then the case will go before 5 judges.

Family Fast

I think we should fast as a family more often. This month I think we should do a family fast for Phil, so he can find a job. What do you all think? I think we should fast for Tom next.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Sure buddy

Here's a sure buddy caught on tape, it's not extremely funny but gives the idea of what sure buddy is all about please see chris' blog From the Donkey's Lips for more detail about the sure buddy challenge.

Harry Potter Theme Park

It is a glorious day for Potter fans everywhere. J.K. Rowling announced there will be a Harry Potter theme park opening in 2009 in Orlando, Florida. This is the website where the BBC reports on the park:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/6706939.stm

Phil's family pics





Here's some pics of the kids and Timmy's birthday party at pizzahut

The Next Great American Super Hero

The Hairaiser

Don Prickles:
Bio: He is an agoraphobic living in Hovel Hideaway (A run-down motel that features individual hovels for long term guests). He has two friends who support him and bring him food and company. They try to get him out by setting up blind dates that always end in disaster. The only way he will go out is with his teddy bear for support. He is an online film critic, which gives him a substantial income. He will also go out if he dresses up in a costume and performs stand up. His alter-alter ego for stand up is the Cheeseball. He delivers cheesy one-liners that always bomb.

Recap: Agoraphobic, two friends, lives in hovel, can only go out if he has his teddy bear and on a date, does stand up in disguise as the Cheeseball, or fighting crime as The Hairaiser.

Alter-Ego: The Hairaiser:
Bio: His abilities were passed down since the beginning of time. There has always been a Hairaiser to defend the innocent as long as anyone could remember. But, can The Hairaiser still protect the people in the modern age? Where Don Prickles is weak and introverted, The Hairaiser is charming, extraverted, and confident.

Super Powers:
1. Cac Attack: Shoots hardened hair follicles out of his skin resembling cactus spurs. These spurs are slightly poisonous causing his enemies to become weak or pass out.
2. Hair Manipulation: Can use the hair on his body like an appendage. He can use hair collectively or individually depending on how much force is needed. Some examples are making a fist of hair to punch his enemies, creating trip lines, or using hair to swing around. The down side to this is he can only use the hair on his body, so if he loses too much hair he has to wait for it to grow back to have full strength.
3. Red Hot Hair Attack: When extremely angry his hair becomes red and hot causing severe burns on his enemies. Down side - his hair also becomes red and hot when he is blushing (Another reason dates don’t work out)
4. The Hair Ball: This is his most powerful power. He can throw balls of hair to consume his enemies or just a small hair ball to choke them. The price for this is that once the hair leaves his body it dies within minutes and is gone forever causing him to be in a weakened state until more hair grows.
5. Side Kicks: He hosts legions of fleas in his hair, but they only follow his commands if it is in their best interest or if he bribes them with treats. He is the only one that can hear them and they often are distracting especially on dates where they say inappropriate things.

Weaknesses:
1. Vixens: These women usually working with the enemy have certain attributes that The Hairaiser is blinded and distracted by. These women use their attributes to lure him into ambushes.
2. Hair Remover: Anything that removes hair - fire, Nair, scissors, razors, etc.

Enemies: Peter the Pie Man (More Coming Soon)

Friends:
He is part of The International League of Super Hero’s. (More Coming Soon)

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Check out this commercial featuring a double CD set by the Fathers of Insults!

Corrections and

Let me just start out by saying, I never claimed to be the Insult King. I never even really claimed to have been the author of most of these names or quotes. I seek not for my own glory, but only to pull down the pride of those who seek to glut themselves on the merits of others. For the time being, we will focus only on Chris, seeing how Jason is not able to defend himself.
Let's look at Chris's so-called ability to make up nicknames.

10% Genuine Wit
30% Theivery
50% Misapplication of material by The Chrisite minions
10% Longevity (Chris has been insulting longer than anyone; therefore, he has more names)

Lets examine his "facts"

1) Who cares if Quin could talk when the name was started. Does it really matter that we started the name, and then during the course of the name calling, she then learned to talk.
2) Chris's claim that the name lasted so long. I have been called buck for 15 years, cased closed.
3) Chris claims the name couldn't have been made up in a matter of days. Since when does it take months to make a witty comment about someone's appereance.
4) Quin's hair wasn't long enough at Christmas time.

I must come clean about my original argument. It's true that the name was not made up at Christmas. It was discovered when I stayed in UT before my mission. I was indeed the author of this name. I chose to hide my identity at first because as I stated before, I look not to glorify myself but to disband the glory hungry Chrisites.

Too long has Chris been given credit for names simply because nobody can remember who actually originated them. Why do we listen to Chris's number one minion, Phil? He was on his mission during this time.
Chris and the members of his faction have changed their stories and the "facts" surrounding this event so many times. Why are they considered credible witnesses?
Chris the master manipulator:
Chris's main tactic when claiming knowledge for a particular story or event is to bend to whatever new memory has surfaced. He will never break or come clean with his story, he simply bends to the will of the crowd. He gets backing from his loyal fanclub and has them publish slanderous filth towards his accusers, trying to intimidate the accusers into submisison.

Instead of allowing this matter to linger in litigation for months, I will offer Chris a plea bargin. He may take claim on the name "beatle" while I take sole possesion of "Ringo." This is most generous of me considering Chris founded neither name. I now consider the Ringo matter closed. Please be advised from this point on, anyone to make claim upon the name Ringo will be subject to copy right infringment, thank you.
Sorry for the long entry, this needed to be said.

Family Files Links

Quick note about the blog. I've added a list of links to the side, called "Links to Family Files." This is a list of documents that we want to be able to view and modify in the future.

  • Click on Clark Birthday List to see a list of everyone's birthday. (Please make corrections as necessary)
  • If you click on the Family Survey you can view it , but if you want to add your answers you will still have to send them to Pete.
  • If you click on the Nicknames Works Cited List it will take you to a page that you can add to and edit.
These family files are being hosted on a separate webpage that I have set up to hold our documents so we can link to them. If you have other files you want to upload to that site, I will help you out! [Note: You should already have access to the clarkcentral site where these documents are being hosted, because we all set up accounts for it last year. If you have trouble accessing it, let me know and I will re-invite you to the clarkcentral site so you can sign in under the same account name you are using for this blog; once you get that set up, going in between sites will be seamless.]

Again, for clarification, keep posting all your stuff here on the blog, but if you have a document that will be viewed/updated continuously, we can also upload it to the clarkcentral hosting site and provide a link to it on the sidebar of this blog. Any questions, comments or suggestions?

Tom proclaims himself insult king


Tom has taken exception to the storied career of Chris and Jason as insult sultans and demands his rightful acclaim. Well perhaps if He would produce a listing of his grievances and his accalades it would be easier to adjust any errors. The truth is he called me shortly after sending my comprehensive works cited and had little to dispute. He even marvelled at how many insults Chris truly laid claim to. Just remember dear brother imitation is the best form of flattery monkey see monkey do!

Quote of the day

So here's a game for the blog spot that will be fun, put up a random quote or story that is infamous within our family and people have to guess who said it. so here is mine. "Let me nibble on your ear" who said it and to whom.

Whats new with Lou






1. My house, the porch and yard are being redone and looks even better
2. & 3 sunset beach
4. sunset beach park, those are tree branches im hanging on\
5. some hot guys i burried in the sand...i think i already sent you guys this picture.
Word! sooo i still work at that ice-cream store the girls i work with are all locals and call me a howli (which means white person) but said im not a bad howli that trashes there island...so i wont be getting "lickings" anytime soon. My friends from work and I are gonna go skydiving this month and my new friend Evan is gonna take me rock climbing. Sunday I went to see Matisyahu...he's a jewish rapping/raggea singer..the show was awesome!!! however the car our roommate let us borrow broke down on the way home in a rural town, and we had to sleep in the car...then some guys jumpstarted it for us at around 2 am, it started and we went back on the highway....only to have it stop in the middle of the road, we called the cops cuz we had no money for a tow...they thought i was 14 and stole the car, they insisted my liscence was fake but i had my social security card and got out of that one. they pushed our car in the median and we slept in it until 6 am. i dont know where the car now is we took the bus home. also i found two kittens i brought home...one is all white and i name it howli, the other one is a runt and extremely skinny and about to die...i think it's bulimic i keep seeing puke everywhere...i named that one marykate.


Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Reconstructing the Ringo Time Line

A certain chimp who we'll call Lord Baldemort has caused quite a stir. He has made several claims regarding the coining of the nickname Ringo. I will present his claims, then reconstruct the time line of events.

The Ape's Claims

  • The name Beatle was used first, but was changed to Ringo within the same day
  • This happened at Christmas while everyone from New Jersey was visiting Utah
  • The Ape was present during the trip and during the occurrence
  • The occurrence happened at the mullet apartment
  • The person to coin the name Ringo was from New Jersey
  • Quin had the Beatle haircut during this time
  • Quin's reply, "I'm not Ringo, I'm Quinny Ringo" was made some time after the first use of the nickname


The Time Line

  • October 1999 - Quin is born
  • Christmas 2000 - Quin is just over a year old and can most likely say "mommy," daddy," and "ball." Mom just moved into the mullet apartment. The New Jersey crowd spends the holidays in Utah. Celine surprises Pete with a Christmas present in Utah: herself.
  • August/September 2001 - Gorilla boy comes to Utah to go on his mission
  • October 3, 2001 - The bald one enters the MTC (shown below holding Quin sporting a Ringo-like haircut)
  • October 6, 2001 - Quin turns 2 years old
  • Christmas 2001 - The Utah group enjoys Christmas alone. The New Jersey group is in NJ with dad.
  • July 2002 - Mom moves to house
Things to Consider
  • Did a NJ hero leave his legacy by coining this name during a fly-by-night trip?
  • Did this happen during the 2000 Christmas trip when Don Prickles was present and Quin was just barely a year old?
  • Was Quin's hair even long enough to be called a Beatle when she was barely over a year old?
  • Did this happen right before Cactus Jack entered the MTC when everyone else was in NJ?
  • Were the names Beatle and Ringo actually introduced on the same day or was the name Beatle used for some time before?
  • How long did the name Ringo last? If she couldn't speak when the name was first used, did the name live on long enough for her to give her famous reply?
I have presented the Bald Eagle's claims and the facts surrounding this case. I leave it up to you to decide.

Works Cited

Due to continual controversy and arguing over who is the founder of nicknames in our family I decided to put together a works cited page. it seems that some are feeling slighted that they are not getting proper recognition for the hard work and effort they put into degrading and humiliating their siblings. I felt this injustice should not go on any longer. One complaintant said that too often credit for making up names and insults goes undeservedly to Chris and Jason- from the list I compiled you will all see that this complaint certainly has merit. feel free to challenge or clarify any errors that you may think you find. I can only go by my best recollection or the common traditions handed down by our forefathers. please make a reference properly citing the author of these names when using them. thank you for your cooperation. Please feel free to add any that i left out. i tried to only include common ones although i know there are more obscure ones they aren't used enough to merit a reference. I have also included approximate dates which are open to revision, but it would be inappropriate to cite our sources without a date of reference

Clark Insult Works Cited

Pa Dukes- Chris 1994
Red Beard- Chris 1993
Buzz/Buzzard - Chris 1994
Troll- Chris 1993

Ma Beagle- Chris 1999 (the use of this name is strongly discouraged since mom thinks it references a dog and not the notorious cartoon criminal we all know)
Sid V/ Siddy V/ etc.- Chris 1998 (again use of this name is not recommended in the presence of mom as she references it to the serial killer, also lets not forget the brilliant use of this name by one Jason Clark during a game of mafia)

Onkey- hybrid of donkey originator unknown 1985
Donkey- Ron 1990
Doug- Tom 1993
Lampwick- Pete? 1992
Pixie- Jason 2004


nantheman- Jason 1999

Cream cheese- Chris 1988
BW/Bed wetter/ b-dub- Chris 1986
Roid Rage- Chris 1995
Cheesesteak- Chris 1999
Helmet Head/ Lord Helmet- Jason 2002

brazilian monkey- Jason 2005

Puff/Pufferton/ Puffer- Jason (really these all spawned from Afro Puff founded by Chris)2000
Pizzaman- Chris 2001
Afro/afro puff- Chris 1992
Ed rebel- Chris 1990
Moose/Moose on the loose - Chris 1995
The funny joke song- Tom/Jason 2002

navajo- Jason 1999
Chag- Phil 2002


Lord Baldemort- Jason 2006
Don Prickles- Jason 2006
Cactus- Prickles- Jason 2005
Cactumus Prime- Jason 2006
Cactumus Primate- Chris 2007
Monkey/Primate- Chris 2006
Chuck- Chris 1989
Bucky Ohare- Chris 1989
Buck- Chris 1989
Tooth Mahoney- Chris 1992
Rabbit- Chris 1989
Hollywood- Jason 2003
Johnny Cage- Jason 2003
Dust Mite- Phil 2003

Greeser/Greese/Greesy- Chris 1990
Goof/goofball- Mike/Jason (Mike was the founder of the term but Jason applied it to him) 2001
Mr. Wrinkles- Jason 2001
Sure Buddy- Mike- originator 1999 (however Jason is the major innovator of this saying)
Sideburns/Sideburns McCoy - Chris 1991
King - Chris 1990
Elvis/Hound dog - Chris 1990

Mustachio- Chris 1999
Varuca- Chris 1988
Rattigan/street rat/etc. Chris 1993
Splinter - Chris 1989

Homer- Tom 1995
Sausage Nips/ Pepperoni Pecs/ Brotworst breasts/ any other nipple name Phil/Tom/Chris/Jason 2002
Jub - Phil 2003
King Kong Bundy - Phil 1990

Lou Lou- Chris 1992
Google/Googly- Pete 1998


Gump/gumpy/gumperton/gumper/etc- Jason 1999
Henry- Chris 1994
Lumiere- Jason 2004
Happy- Chris 1994
Bleacher creature- Jason 2005

Ringo- Chris 2003

total names/catch phrases= 42
with over 90% of the total names and insults attributed to them(Chris 30) (Jason 19) Chris and Jason are certainly the fathers of insults. if you follow the timeline it is amazing to see how Chris ruled the 80's and 90's and seems to have passed the torch to his protege, Jason, in the 21st century.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Self-Portraits

Chris brought some huge scraps of paper home from work, and we put it to good use...

Sunday, June 10, 2007

What's New at Chris & Nancy's

We've been pretty busy here. Chris has school 4 nights a week, Tommy is out of school, Michael figured out how to open all the doors he's not supposed to open, and David can climb up the stairs--but not without tumbling down. I've been having a fun time starting our family blog, which is turning out to be a good way for us to keep our family history updated while it's in progress. Katie and Quin came to stay with us for a few days, which has been a real treat for the boys.

Chris took them down to swim at Ryan & Brittany's yesterday, while I was at a Stake Youth activity.
Chris was worn out afterwards. It was one of the rare occasions where he had no energy:
Tonight we're having cake and ice cream for David's 1st birthday, which is actually this Wednesday.

Hopefully you will all enjoy using the new blog we have set up. Let us know if you have any questions or suggestions!

The Clark Family Blog is Finally Up

This site is available for all of us to use to keep the family updated on events in our lives. It will archive posts by month, so it will be like a family journal. You can add photos, text, or anything else that would be interesting to us. Keep it appropriate and lively. No boring garbage. The blog is currently set up to only grant access to users with logins. We can change this later if we find it too constrictive.